Feeling Out of Place Online
I’m in a long season of not running, and it feels strange to have a running account when running is the one thing I’m not doing. It’s not like I just skipped a week or had a busy month. I’m in a stretch of time where I know I won’t be lacing up consistently for at least five more months.
To be clear, I know my account is not that big. I am fully aware that no one is refreshing Instagram thinking, “Where is Jess? Why isn’t she posting her morning miles?” It’s not that serious.
But I do feel the difference. I miss the sense of connection that comes with being part of the running community. I miss knowing who is training for what and hearing about people’s long runs. I miss being involved instead of watching from the sidelines.
Creating vs. Consuming
One thing that has surprised me is how good it has been to spend less time on social media. My mind feels clearer and quieter. I enjoy social media the most when I am creating and engaging, not when I am only consuming. If I’m just scrolling, it never leaves me feeling great.
I’m still rooting for everyone in my little corner of the running world. I love seeing people hit their goals. I just can’t participate in the same way right now, and scrolling without contributing starts to feel passive.
It feels a little like being at a gathering where I love the people, but I’m too tired to join the conversation (which is also kind of my exhausted pregnant reality right now). I’m there, but not fully.
Missing Running (and Admitting It)
The other honest part of this season is that I miss running. A lot. I know it will be there postpartum and I know I’ll rebuild. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.
But the timeline is long. Three more months of pregnancy, then a scheduled C-section, followed by at least two months of recovery before I can even consider an easy jog.
Five more months is a long time to be away from something that brings so much joy. I miss my run club. I miss feeling connected to my body in that specific way. I miss setting small goals and working toward them.
It’s okay to acknowledge the loss while still being grateful for the bigger picture.
Pregnancy: Beautiful and Challenging
This pregnancy is SO wanted. We went through IVF to get here, so no one can say I’m not insanely grateful.
At the same time, pregnancy is physically demanding. I’m not at my most comfortable. I am carrying more weight than I’m comfy with, my joints feel different, and everything takes a little (okay, a lot) more energy.
I would go through it again for all of my children, but I’m also looking forward to carrying this baby in my arms instead of carrying him on the inside.
Both gratitude and discomfort can exist at the same time. They don’t cancel each other out.
Where I Am Right Now
Right now, I’m somewhere in between. I’m not as active online, but I’m still here. I’m not running, but I still think of myself as a runner. I’m not creating much content, but I miss it. This is just a quieter chapter, not the end of anything.
Running will be waiting for me when I’m ready. My community will be there too. For now, my work looks different. My world looks different. My focus is different. And that’s okay.
If you’re in your own season of pause, whatever the reason may be, I hope you know the mixed bag of feelings is allowed. There’s room for both longing and gratitude.